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xchemwarfare

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(no subject) [Aug. 27th, 2008|10:34 pm]
xchemwarfare
fuck my whole life right now.
my grandma is dying.
and josh keeps breaking up with me, then getting back together with me, then breaking up with me again, etc.
i wish i never fell into this whole love bullshit thing. life would be normal and so much easier.

on the plus side, tomorrow is my last day working at mcdonalds. i got a job at Friendly's restaurant.
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2008|11:21 pm]
xchemwarfare
i want to be numb.
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(no subject) [Jul. 3rd, 2008|01:00 am]
xchemwarfare
im pretty high man. which reminds me that josh and i made a song using my keyboard and rapping while we were high. ha.
him and i smoke too much weed. fuckin potheads.
life is good. other than work. i need a better job than mcdicks, seriously.
josh got me a promise ring a few weeks ago. its a claddagh ring, which is cool as shit since we both have a good amount of irish in us.



i think im going to hershey park with josh on friday for the holiday. im excited because i havent been there in years. :)
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(no subject) [Jun. 10th, 2008|10:03 pm]
xchemwarfare
thursday is my birthday. turning 16. im not even excited for it anymore. josh was supposed to come over tomorrow (wednesday) and spend the night and all that shit, but now he doesn't want to ride the bus over. so that pretty much ruins any excitement i had.
other than that, josh has been staying here more often. he's off probation so now we've both been smoking pot again. fun.
i think josh is even more crazy than me sometimes. one day we'll be arguing, and then the next day he'll be asking me if i'll marry him when i turn 18. awkward.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2008|03:16 am]
xchemwarfare
im not dead. woo. i haven't even been that busy, so i guess i have no excuse for starting yet another thing, and then neglecting it.

first off, i guess i'll start with this, josh and i are still together and i am so happy. we have our arguments, but who doesn't. whenever we aren't arguing what we have is so beautiful and thats all that matters. love is all that matters.
ive had so many good times with him, and so many new experiences, some of which i wont go into...
but he is the first boyfriend ive actually cared about more than myself.
first person i could actually be sober with for 3 months.
first guy who is eventually going to live with me this summer a little bit. :)
first guy who actually takes me out on dates.
etc.
too bad that both of joshs sisters, plus his mom hate me. his one sister, Cookie, is one of those ignorant in your fucking face christians, even though shes just a crazy bitch at heart. i hate fake christians. thats what i consider them. just like i consider half my family fake jews.

secondly, i have a job at mcdonalds. fucking assholes. im not even getting enough hours, so until they start taking me seriously, im not going to take them seriously. :)

im taking zoloft now for depression and apparently i also have borderline personality disorder. whatever. i think this is all bullshit, but i guess we'll see if the meds help any.

i wanted to see gogol bordello this coming june, but apparently my parents want to be dicks and not let me. it seems like once i get older and actually get my fucking act together a little bit more i get even less freedom instead of more. im not drinking anymore, im not sleeping with tons of people and risking my health/getting prego. so where the fuck is my reward?

i hope josh gets off probation soon.


hopefully i wont go 8 weeks without updating this shit again.
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(no subject) [Mar. 11th, 2008|06:16 pm]
xchemwarfare
josh got off of house arrest the other day because he got his shit together and did what he needed to.
things with him and i are going very well.
he has a job again though. which sucks because i wont get to see him as much.

i saw a psychologist on the 5th. that was fun. not.
bipolar.
depression.
social phobia.

fuck that shit.
every wednesday i have to go to a girls group.
plus i have an appt with a drug/alcohol therapist and a psychiatrist.
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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2008|04:32 pm]
xchemwarfare
i really suck at updating this shit.
anyway, josh asked me to be his girlfriend. i said yes. yesterday we had both stayed up all night so he rode the bus at 6:05 AM and then rode another one and got to my house at 9 AM. it was chill. one of those im wearing sweatpants, no makeup and i dont care days. :)
we had sex. it was good. quick, but good.
then we just laid in my bed and cuddled all day since we were both so tired.

so today josh called me. just a few minutes ago. and hes on fucking house arrest. this is complete bullshit because he hasn't done anything wrong the whole time since hes been out of lock up. this is why i hate the system, once you get involved with it, it controls your life.
he makes me happier than any other guy has. i have a good feeling about this one.
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(no subject) [Feb. 19th, 2008|04:42 am]
xchemwarfare
on monday josh came over. we didn't really do much. just laid in my bed watching party monster and chatting.
neither of us kissed each other, out of respect for one another. after he got home he told me that he did actually want to, but he wasn't sure if i wanted him to. my thoughts exactly. either way, it was nice.
he makes me more happy than any other guy has. he invited me to watch his band practice this wednesday. i hope i can.  :)

more on the josh thing, all these dumb fuckers want to start shit since we had both dated the same girl everyone thinks its kinda fucked up. whatever. i dont really care. its between me, josh, and jaimee. and jaimee already said she didnt care. so that should be enough.
i dont care how other people feel about it. im back to doing what i want.
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(no subject) [Feb. 16th, 2008|06:56 am]
xchemwarfare
well, i guess i'll explain the fact that jaimee is my ex girlfriend. and josh is her ex boyfriend from a while ago. they were together for 2 years.


now, on wednesday night, josh called me. he wanted to make amends with people he mightve hurt in the past, and he knew jaimee mustve talked a lot of shit on him, because he was in placement and drug/alcohol rehab. apparently he got out in january. so yeah, he just called to talk about shit, ive never actually met him before, but we ended up talking for 5 fucking hours. and i dont even like phones, so it was weird. thursday night i call him, and we talk for 7 hours. friday night he called me and we talked for 4 hours.

we have so much in common. a few of my friends are telling me to hook up with him, but i dont wanna jump the gun since i havent had a relationship since last june. im interested. we'll just leave it at that. :)
hes 17, has TWO jobs, hes staying sober, and hes already in college. finally, someone different. he told me before being locked up he was exactly like me. no goals, no future. so that really opened up my eyes.
hes completely comfortable with the number of people ive had sex with, so that makes me happy. he understands me, i understand him. even if it doesnt turn into a romantic relationship, i know i have a good friend.

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(no subject) [Feb. 13th, 2008|10:41 pm]
xchemwarfare
im crying. i barely ever cry.
its been a year since sarah's death. and its still as bad as it was this time last year.
i asked jeremy how he was doing. he said hes fine. i know thats not true, but i dont want to bug him about it.

i wish i could tell jeremy that i love him. and that i have loved him for a fucking year. i wish i could tell him that i want more than just sex. but i cant. i cant do anything.


sarah, i miss seeing your beautiful face every weekend.



how i wish, how i wish you were here.
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